To my Dad

I miss my dad. I have attempted to write this at least 2 to 3 dozen times but I always broke tears down and couldn’t finish it. Tonight I’ve been tearful already so I will write this through to the end. I know that he can’t read or even cant understand. I miss my dad more than I would miss my heart if it was ripped out of my chest n never returned. I miss him most of all. He is a very good man and nothing he did caused problems in the family. I’m so sorry I was such a bitch to you. After our last talk, I realized how special you are. I didn’t deserve your treatment, it was unconditional. Okay maybe I did since you re my parents. I could do anything wrong and you would still be there. When you weren’t being childish, you said things so clearly. I was so stupid that I could say the words ‘fucked up and shit storms or even i don’t fucking know dad’ in front of you because dad, it is the way I talk. You did always plan the future with me cuz it’s the best thing to do. I did really hate you sometimes to be honestly. And now you know what? I really just wanna say sorry. I know things have been pretty rough lately and I know you thought that I no longer care for you. You are wrong. I do still care. There were times that my temper ran off and I didn’t wanna live in this house anymore. But I want you to know that I was still trying to understand you. That’s why I still there n not leaving u alone. I’m so sorry that sometimes i get too tired of being your daughter. I’m so sorry for being such a stupid pighead that forgot all the things you’ve done for this family and just got mad at you for being my father. I’m sorry that I wasnt grateful enough to realize that u spent 13 years abroad to work your ass off just to give is what we need or even those we just wanted n not needed. I’m sorry that I’m saying sorry in the letter you will never read or understand. And I’m sorry for all the things I have said that really shattered your heart. I am extremely hurt that we can’t go back from what we are now to what we were before. I’m praying so hard that things will go well and go back to usual and this family will be happy just like the old times. I won’t care if it was fake or whatever. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t hear your laugh. I couldn’t hear it. I tried. I really did. I felt like it wasnt so much to ask that I just hear it for once, just once. I know it’s irrational, I know that it wasn’t a promise your body was capable of making and I forgive you. I hope you forgive me for being selfish. The time I cursed you for having stroke. I have heard a lot of situations like this but just why my dad? My pretty empathetic silly dad ? It never made sense to me and it never will. Not everything happens for a reason, and I’ve learnt that somethings I must accept. You’ve done your best to take care of me ever since I was a little. You tried to raise me with good values and a sense of right and wrong. You taught me everything you could or at least everything I was willing to learn, and sent me out to this world with a bittersweet thought that your baby had grown up. Well, I’ll tell you that I still haven’t grown up, but I’m trying. It’s hard to be an adult you know. Life can get so hectic and tiring. So many people give up on being good. I do owe you more than I could ever payback. All the sacrifices you made and all the tears you cried weren’t a waste. I know you did your best to me. I need to tell you that I appreciate that. You cared and you gave and you wanted everyone to be happy. More important that you never gave up. Sure you lost a battle here and there, but you bravely won the war, finished the race with fucking spectacular flying colors. So how do you thank someone like that? How do you give back to someone who has spent his entire life doing absolutely every he could do for you? I can’t answer that. All I can do is hoping and praying that God reminds me everyday of what my dad went thru for me. I can try and tell you how lucky I feel to have a dad like you. Thank you thank you thank you thank you so much. To the end of the world and back, I love you more than life itself. All these selfish times as a child I never did anything good to you. You and mom are the most important people in my life and the greatest things to happen to me. I beg the most high that I’ll never see you go. After you passed away it was my wake up call to appreciating what I still have. I don’t wish that I had better everything. I just want you to be back. I hate that I lived this long to see us lose that all. If I would go back and fix it dad, would’ve tell you and mom that I love you all everyday like I was supposed to. I love you more than you will ever know. You know, I would give everything just to be your Thi No again. One more things, I’m so sorry for all the things I have said/did to you and I want to thank you so so so much from deep down of my heart for all the things you did to me and thank you for being my father, the best man in the world. And one last thing again, I do love you

2 thoughts on “To my Dad

  1. I can’t imagine how hard it must be. I have been following you for a while now and never ever think that you have been going through a lot. I’m really sorry and I hope you are much more better now and if you think it would help to talk about it then I’m always here for you.

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