It’s been so long since my last post. I hope I will make some sense because it is 00.37AM here in Budapest and its so hard for me to write a complete meaningful sentence. The truth is it took me 15 minutes to write this sentence. I have been drinking with my family and now my brain just wants to shut down and go to sleep. It’s so strange that I felt sleepy on alcohol because normally i would be even more awake and have more energy if I had even just a little amount of any kind of alcohol.
My insomnia is getting so weird lately too. Weird in a good way. I have insomnia but there was once I had the worst time trying to sleep got no idea why. I was just awake ALL THE TIME, like all through the day as well. I slept a couple of hours but also weirdly didn’t feel tired, or at least not tired enough to sleep. My alarm clock went off and I jumped straight out of bed and start doing something as if I wasn’t ever asleep. My mind legit didn’t go bed and i didn’t know what to do. I kept trying and trying to get REALLY TIRED and cardio and box a lot and I hoped tiring my body out will make sure I knock out earlier. Some of my friends were asking if I was extremely stressed or anxious or drinking caffeine. But like i drink on a daily basic but never felt that bad before. I tried many things to help with my insomnia, included melatonin, the gummy bear ones. Those are tasty as well and made me drowsy lol but it helped me reset a little only. Some of them then tried to make me go to the doctor because they are worried I might have any lethal disease but I know i dont have that and I DONT GO TO THE DOCTOR. But that was before, these days, since I stopped working out at night, I never thought that was a part of my sleeping disorder, I feel a little better and I start to read at night again, i could fall asleep easier. Not saying the best time sleeping but it is definitely better than before. And recently I have been waking up at around 6-8am again, it feels so good and fresh because since quarantine I always slept till noon and started my day at 1 or 2PM LOL. But that gotta change and I have to try to have a healthy lifestyle again.
Since my last post, which is in 2019 XD My life has been up and down up and down since then, its not that I didn’t write anything, I did writing and I am still doing it but I write diary and I really did not have any idea what to write for my blog. Actually I have some drafts but I never actually finished them, I always started to write something down when I had new ideas but ngl I never finished what I was writing.
1.38AM I replay <Cigarettes After Sex> album, “Apocalypse” for like 2e7847384t732 times. Every time I listen to his songs and this one especially, I feel like lost or I don’t know. I love his music, his voice but I don’t know why I feel this way. I feel blue..lol
I spent my entire 20 years old year wondering to myself: ‘Am I on the right track?’. This question came up every morning when I woke up and be back every night before I went to bed. Along with it are self-doubt, fear of being left behind, uncertain about the future. It feels strange when a giddy like me is being nowhere confused about the future. Back to when I was 19, I thought about nothing but: «What to eat tonight?».
When I was younger, like 15 or 16, I was feeling kinda blame to my parents “Why are they making me do this?”. In my 20s, I feel ashamed when thinking about myself back then. Why ? I startled, I realised that I am in my 20s, my mother was about to give birth to my sister and me when she was at her 20s. My parents, they started from scratch, totally from zero when they were at their 20s. And me? Where am I? I still have to ask for money from my mom, not knowing how to orientate my future. There was time I felt so stressed that I bursted into tears by myself which is a really a big deal for me because I don’t cry or want to show any kind of emotions. Its not that I think emotions are for weak people. If one is brave enough to show one’s feeling, I think they are the strongest because they are able to absorb any deep feelings which are sometimes hard to handle and can lead to crucial situation. For me, its just like sometime I’m an extreme feeler and sometime my feelings and emotions are dead, there is no in between. There were so many questions “Am I making my family proud?” “Am I just overthinking ?” “When will all my hard work pay off?”
I am not the only one who feels stressful
After a while stressing myself out, I had several mental breakdowns, I realised that I am not alone, like not at all. I vented to my friends( I don’t really have any close friends who are at my age because I like older people’s mentality 😂), they are all order than me so I was afraid that they wouldn’t understand, but the truth is they were once at their 20s, they have been through this period of their life too.
Social media is not that serious! We should stop clout chasing and comparing ourselves to others. It ain’t real. I mean its real but like people post nice shit lol i mean stuffs:) online so don’t compare your average day to someone else’s highlights. Also, not in the topic but for the love of god can we stop assuming shit about people we don’t know?? Thank for coming to my TedTalk. So back to social media, people post things that make them proud and I can confirm that. For example when someone got hired to a big company, earning a lot of money or knowing what they want and like, they post those things. No one (including me) would post about the things they have been through to get where they are right now, no one would show their darkest or depressed moments to social media. When I was in high school, I used to look at others’s profiles and be thinking “I wish my life was like theirs”. I’m sure I’m not the only now who did that. I used to attend events, programs where I met a lot of inspiring people, I was thinking “When will I be like them”. And I’m sure again I’m not the only one who had that thought.
I realised that, when it comes to the age when you have to start working on your own, you will start thinking and will be stress as well. Stress comes from nowhere but you create it yourself. But, I also realised that, being stress also means that you have learnt something and you are maturing.
Doing my best but also let it be for what i can’t change
I tried so hard, still trying and wonder that “What should I do or expect to an unknown future?” And my answer is “Do everything I can”
When I could throw all those negative thoughts, I just started to focus on myself. Focusing on my studying more and more, working and learning as much as possible and spending time for myself. Being 16 or 17 was so good, I had a carefree life, back then I thought that life is so simple, just focused on having fun and the adults just overreact and be dramatic. I thought when I start to work or to go to university, life will be still simple and not this hard. Until 20s hit me. I’m still positive of course, all of the people know me, know that no matter what happens, I’m positive. Having that said I don’t like to show the other side of me. I’m serious when I need to be serious with the ones who I feel i would connect but tbh in real life I’m sarcastic joking about everything, always, some would even say I’m immature. One of my worst trait is I would take everything as a joke and laugh in serious situations which is very BAD. I have laughed in situations where everyone was crying and thats some fucked up shit. But I guess it’s my way of keeping myself happy and a coping mechanism sort of. Just sometime people tell me that I’m too mature for my age and whenever I get that I don’t know how should i feel about it.
My mom taught me a lot of things, she is my role model. She always tells me to be happy with myself, to be proud with all my achievements and to be independent and strong. But like sometime i don’t know how to be happy with myself ( which is just happens sometime because I love myself ). Just sometime having the thought that i might be giving up and stop trying scares me off. All of my friends say that I never cry or share anything to anyone even my mom which is also one of annoying traits I have.
I know that everyone has their own life and problems and spending times for themselves might also be hard for them too. For me, I am the one who needs a lot of time for myself but I don’t ask or demand anything. So when anyone spends the time listening to me, I really appreciate. Even all of the stories or problems have passed, but I feel I could ease my mind.
Sometime everything is so messy like those unfolded clothes. Sometime life is so unorganised, not like what I have in mind, But I’m so easy to be entertained, even by myself. A little thing could make me laugh. Like when someone sends me memes and even the meme itself is not funny but I still feel good or when I finally cook my favourite food and it turns out to be tasty or even meeting with my friends and doing nothing. As long as I live, have the opportunity to read a good book, watch a great movie, then I will know how to make myself happy.
Things changed a lot since last year. I have more new friends but also lost some. I feel sad for some but for some I feel like its for the best. Life is a challenge everyday. Things are so messy and unorganised as my post right now, I write whatever comes up to my mind so I’m sure tomorrow morning or I should say when I wake up i will laugh my ass off reading this again. Things changed but I’m thankful for that because I’m maturing and those hard times have passed and I have learnt my lessons, learnt from all the people, the environment, even from myself. I know myself and I know there is a side of me thats unlike anybody else. I might enjoy being unconventional or i could feel self-conscious about it. But my life works better when I accept that I’m different. Its natural for me to want to have exciting experiences and live a unique, provocative life.
Life is evolving in unforeseen ways, so stay open to the unexpected – it is taking you exactly where you need to go
People and including my friend told me that I might have a selfish or emotionally unavailable authority figure who made me this way. I never answered but I know they were right. I can’t handle the pain of losing someone I love. Having experienced losing one of the people I love the most in this world is so painful. After my father passed away, I had a depression period and thats when my insomnia started. I created a wound so deep that being hurt emotionally is all i know and what I’ve come to expect from a relationship. My fear of being hurt is so great to someone will suddenly be gone out of my life and not there anymore is so scary, I haven’t even allowed myself to be in a vulnerable situation.
But everything needs to be moving on and I should take this as another opportunity to feel my feelings – including gratitude for what has happened in the past and concentrate on my inner life. Allow the complexity of this time to work its alchemy. Immerse myself in all things that support my life intent. I know I will feel a deep sense of satisfaction and relief when I have found my way, its an inner knowledge that my direction has aligned with what’s intended.
A part of me is attracting overwhelming circumstances that are beyond my control and are taking me deeper. I don’t judge or take anything too serious but a part of me is analytical and detail-oriented, i have the capacity to notice everything, set high standards for myself and work meticulously to reach my goals.
So yeah I will end this unorganised post here because I have been more than 3 hours LOL and my intention was let update a quick short post. And this one is for myself and for anyone who reads it :D. We are all fucked up sometimes but we will get there, just stay strong. The best things in life happen unexpectedly. If there is an opportunity to grow, take it. If not, then hang in there, it will come.